Cleaving Unto Your Spouse: Relationships with In-Laws and Extended Families

As shown in many of my previous blog posts, there are a lot of different things spouses must go through together in order to have a healthy and successful marriage. One of those big changes is inheriting an additional family. This can be a very challenging adjustment for many, but also a great blessing. There are many things that could be addressed regarding this topic, but there is one principle in general that I feel is important to focus on: cleaving unto your spouse.

In Genesis 2:24 it states the following:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

The Lord counsels us to cleave unto our spouse. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, to cleave means to "cling to a person or thing closely," or "to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly." When we are married, our spouse comes before all other earthly relationships. This does not mean they should abandon their parents, however. Elder Marvin J. Ashton said the following in regards to this changing relationship:

"Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength, a refuge, a delight, and an eternal unit. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement."

So, what are some simple ways in which spouses and extended families can make positive adjustments?

President Spencer W. Kimball outlined the following:

1. Married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses.
2. If possible, married children should establish their own household, separate from their parents.
3. Any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.

Even with the above counsel, such adjustments made by married children may be difficult for some parents, but it is extremely important that parents find ways to be supportive of their children and their spouses. When couples run into issues during these adjustment periods with their parents and parents-in-law, it is important that they do the following:

1. Express love to the parents for all that they do.
2. Explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity.
3. Explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship.

Parents need assurance that their children and their spouses/families will still be a part of, and participate in some family activities, while also understanding the importance of establishing their own family activities and traditions as well.

I may not be married yet, but I have witnessed the importance of the adjustments that must be made through my experience with my siblings and their spouses. Each of my brothers-in-law and sister-in-law have been a wonderful addition to my family, bringing new perspective and experience.

Original image can be found here.

There is a lot of wonderful information on relationships with in-laws and extended families, so I would highly recommend reading the following material cited in the "References" section below!

References:

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Having a Balance of Power in Family Relationships

In this week's blog post I want to focus on some of the content written in an article by Richard B. Miller titled "Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families." It's a marvelous article that addresses the important issues of "power, control, and hierarchy" in family units. This is such an important topic to talk about, especially since many family problems stem from issues of power.

Miller provides an excellent list of things to keep in mind (when it comes to power) that I felt were important to share.

1. Parents are the leaders in the family.
• This does not mean they are dictators, but rather leaders.
2. Parents must be united in their leadership.
• Parents must work together in decision making, and remain consistent.
3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
• When children are older it is important that parents no longer exercise control over their children.
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.
• Husbands and wives are equal.
• Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.
• A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.
• Husbands and wives work together as partners.
5. What is the power relationship in your marriage?
• To assess this, an activity by the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University (also found in "Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families") is provided below:

Marital Power Scale

How much do you agree with this statement?

Strongly Disagree (1) Disagree (2) Neutral (3) Agree (4) Strongly Agree (5)

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion. 1 2 3 4 5

2. My partner does not listen to me. 1 2 3 4 5

3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it. 1 2 3 4 5

4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations. 1 2 3 4 5

5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder. 1 2 3 4 5

6. I feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family talking to me first. 1 2 3 4 5

8. My partner and I talk about problems until we both agree on a solution. 1 2 3 4 5

9. When it comes to money, my partner’s opinion usually wins out. 1 2 3 4 5

10. I feel like my partner tries to control me. 1 2 3 4 5

11. When it comes to children, my partner’s opinion usually wins out. 1 2 3 4 5

12. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship that I can never get 

away with. 1 2 3 4 5

13. I feel like I have no choice but to do what my partner wants. 1 2 3 4 5

14. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do. 1 2 3 4 5

15. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner’s opinion usually wins out. 

1 2 3 4 5

Original image can be found here.

I hope the above points and activity helped you as much as they did me. The overall article by Miller is very informative and enlightening, and I would highly recommend reading it! It can be found here.

I know that maintaining a healthy balance of power in marriage and family relationships is so important, and can help a family overcome and avoid many of the problems and trials that they may face. I wanted to close my entry by sharing a quote by Henry B. Eyring:

"A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power... A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them."

References:

Henry B. Eyring, "That We May Be One" Ensign, May 1998, 66.

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Fidelity and Faithfulness in Marriage

In this week's blog post I want to focus on fidelity and faithfulness between spouses in their marriage. I know that one of the first thoughts I have when I hear the term "infidelity" is being unfaithful sexually, but infidelity is much more than that.

So, how can unfaithfulness unfold? H. Wallace Goddard, PhD shares the order in which unfaithfulness is likely to unfold in his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage." The different stages of unfaithfulness consist the following (pg. 92-93):

1. What may seem like innocent behaviors — this can consist of something as simple as missionary work, or serving someone
2. Growing affection claims part of one's heart
3. Participating in extramarital flirting — there may be no intention of harm, but this stage typically involves justification.
4. The relationship is seen as "special" — this can lead to creating excuses to see this individual
5. Making excuses, lying, and so on to spend time with the person
6. Displacing your spouse; having emotional intimacy with "special friend"
7. Seeking to find fault in your spouse
8. Having fantasies about the other person
9. Engaging in physical affection with "special friend" — a hug, a kiss, etc.
10. Having sexual relations

I have witnessed many of these stages of unfaithfulness in my life through watching some of those around me, and it is a sad thing to see. Something so seemingly innocent can become a major knife driven between spouses, but the good news is that there are ways to prevent such troubles from occurring. In a summarized version, here are the following guidelines Goddard provides (pg. 94-95):

1. Do not allow seeds of lust to germinate.
2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
3. Take responsibility for the messages that you give — for example, do not flirt with or seek after affection from someone other than your spouse.
4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone — for example, daydreaming of another.
5. If you find yourself making excuses for continuing a relationship, you are addicted — seek help, for example, through going to your bishop or stake president.
6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.
7. Renew your spiritual efforts.
8. Don't set yourself up for failure.
9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography.
10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship.

 Fidelity within marriage is so important. Marriage and family is at the center of God's plan for us, and there is no earthly relationship more important than our relationship with our spouse. As stated in "A Parent's Guide" published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

“Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional,

psychological, and spiritual need associated with this

sacred act. They will be able to complement each other

in the marriage relationship if they give tender,

considerate attention to these needs of their partner.

Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than

to use this highly significant relationship merely to

satisfy his or her own passion.

Couples will discover differences in the needs or

desires each partner has for the relationship, but

when each strives to satisfy the needs of the other

these differences need not present a serious

problem. Remember, this intimate relationship

between husband and wife was established to bring

joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous

objective will enable married couples to use their

complementary natures to bring joy to this union.”

For more information on the topics addressed, I would highly recommend getting Goddard's book  "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage." It is worth every penny!

Original image can be found here.

References:

A Parent's Guide. (n.d.). Retrieved March 15, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gridlock

In last week's blog post I addressed solving solvable problems - but what about the unsolvable problems? Every marriage has some, and Gottman refers to these problems as "perpetual problems" in his book "The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work."

So, what happens when couples have perpetual disagreements? Something referred to as gridlock (pg. 236).

Original image can be found here.

"When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to mind is of two opposing fists. Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible" (Gottman, pg. 236).

Original Image can be found here.

Sounds pretty intense, right? For me, the first time I read that, the word "impossible" stood out to me. If compromise was impossible, how could couples work through such conflict? Was it actually possible? Thankfully, the answer is yes! It may not be possible to resolve a perpetual problem, but it is possible to to reach compromise and live with such problems.

When couples encounter such problems, Gottman provides 4 steps to help couples work through gridlock in their marriage. The steps consist of the following (pg. 250-259):

1. Explore the Dream(s)
2. Soothe
3. Reach a Temporary Compromise (The Two-Circle Method)
4. Say "Thank You"

For more on the topic here is a great quick read on the Gottman Institute's blog: https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/

I may not be married yet, but I do know based on my experience with the relationships most dear to me that truly trying to understand another's dreams, and working through what those dreams mean to them can strengthen love and relationships. Much of what can help us in overcoming the effects of gridlock is having love and charity for our partner. 

For a more in depth look at Gottman's four steps be sure to get his book "The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work." It is worth every penny!

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.