So, what happens when couples have perpetual disagreements? Something referred to as gridlock (pg. 236).
Original image can be found here.
"When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to mind is of two opposing fists. Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible" (Gottman, pg. 236).
Original Image can be found here.
Sounds pretty intense, right? For me, the first time I read that, the word "impossible" stood out to me. If compromise was impossible, how could couples work through such conflict? Was it actually possible? Thankfully, the answer is yes! It may not be possible to resolve a perpetual problem, but it is possible to to reach compromise and live with such problems.
When couples encounter such problems, Gottman provides 4 steps to help couples work through gridlock in their marriage. The steps consist of the following (pg. 250-259):
- Explore the Dream(s)
- Soothe
- Reach a Temporary Compromise (The Two-Circle Method)
- Say "Thank You"
For more on the topic here is a great quick read on the Gottman Institute's blog: https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/
I may not be married yet, but I do know based on my experience with the relationships most dear to me that truly trying to understand another's dreams, and working through what those dreams mean to them can strengthen love and relationships. Much of what can help us in overcoming the effects of gridlock is having love and charity for our partner.
For a more in depth look at Gottman's four steps be sure to get his book "The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work." It is worth every penny!
References:
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.
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