Cleaving Unto Your Spouse: Relationships with In-Laws and Extended Families

As shown in many of my previous blog posts, there are a lot of different things spouses must go through together in order to have a healthy and successful marriage. One of those big changes is inheriting an additional family. This can be a very challenging adjustment for many, but also a great blessing. There are many things that could be addressed regarding this topic, but there is one principle in general that I feel is important to focus on: cleaving unto your spouse.

In Genesis 2:24 it states the following:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

The Lord counsels us to cleave unto our spouse. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, to cleave means to "cling to a person or thing closely," or "to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly." When we are married, our spouse comes before all other earthly relationships. This does not mean they should abandon their parents, however. Elder Marvin J. Ashton said the following in regards to this changing relationship:

"Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength, a refuge, a delight, and an eternal unit. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement."

So, what are some simple ways in which spouses and extended families can make positive adjustments?

President Spencer W. Kimball outlined the following:

1. Married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses.
2. If possible, married children should establish their own household, separate from their parents.
3. Any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.

Even with the above counsel, such adjustments made by married children may be difficult for some parents, but it is extremely important that parents find ways to be supportive of their children and their spouses. When couples run into issues during these adjustment periods with their parents and parents-in-law, it is important that they do the following:

1. Express love to the parents for all that they do.
2. Explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity.
3. Explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship.

Parents need assurance that their children and their spouses/families will still be a part of, and participate in some family activities, while also understanding the importance of establishing their own family activities and traditions as well.

I may not be married yet, but I have witnessed the importance of the adjustments that must be made through my experience with my siblings and their spouses. Each of my brothers-in-law and sister-in-law have been a wonderful addition to my family, bringing new perspective and experience.

Original image can be found here.

There is a lot of wonderful information on relationships with in-laws and extended families, so I would highly recommend reading the following material cited in the "References" section below!

References:

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.