Solving Solvable Problems

It is inevitable that some problems may come up in marriage, but how we handle the problems we face can make a huge difference. In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver, Gottman refers to different marital conflicts as either "solvable" or "perpetual." 69% of marital conflicts fall under the category of perpetual conflicts, but even with perpetual conflicts couples can find a great deal of happiness (pg. 138). 

One of the key principles in being able to handle perpetual problems is learn how to deal with "unmovable problems so that they don't become overwhelming" (Gottman, pg. 138). In "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., he shares a simple example of a minor perpetual problem in his marriage, regarding toothpaste: 

Goddard has a method of how to squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube so that no toothpaste is wasted, while his wife does not share this same enthusiasm. No matter how hard he has tried to get his wife to use his same method, it never seems to work. Goddard has come to realize that such petty preferences should not drive a knife in their marriage, or negatively effect his view of his wife. Although a seemingly silly example, many perpetual problems fall in this category. Whether is be over toothpaste or messy counter tops, such conflict will always exist (pg. 104).

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What about the solvable problems though? Gottman provides five principles to assist in solving solvable problems, so that they do not interfere with the happiness and joy that can be found in married life (pg. 161):

1. Soften your start-up (harsh start-ups invite the four horsemen!)
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Harsh Startup Questionnaire can be found here.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Repair Attempts Questionnaire can be found here.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Flooding Questionnaire can be found here.
4. Compromise.
• "Compromise is not about just one person changing. It's about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other" (pg. 184).
5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger.
• An activity provided by Gottman regarding processing previous emotional injuries in your marriage can be found here.

There are a lot more amazing and helpful activities in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," so I would highly recommend getting a copy of the book (which can be purchased here). 

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I learned so much from going through the the different principles provided for solving solvable problems, and am grateful for the opportunities I have to apply these principles in my life, even as a single adult. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity I have to learn of these things now, so that I can better apply them in my future marriage. I strongly encourage those who are married to truly take the steps, questionnaires, and activities seriously because I know that they can be of great benefit to your marriages!

"Marriage is an assault upon the lonely, atomic ego.  Marriage is a threat to the solitary individual.  Marriage does impose grueling, humbling, baffling, and frustrating responsibilities. Yet, marriage is not the enemy of moral development in adults. Quite the opposite.  Being married and having children has impressed on my mind certain lessons, for whose learning I cannot help being grateful.  My bonds to [my family] are, I know, my liberation.  They force me to be a different sort of human being, in a way in which I want and need to be forced." 

- Michael Novak in Harper’s Magazine, April 1976

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Beware of Pride

In a recent blog post, I shared more about Gottman's "four horsemen," that can be found in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Each of the four horsemen can become a deadly poison that damages a marriage, and in some instances diminish it, but there is one thing each of them have in common: pride. Pride is the deadliest poison that can enter into an individual, and into a marriage.

So, what is pride? There are many things that come as a result of pride, such as self-centeredness and arrogance, but at its very core is enmity. By definition, enmity is “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition” (Benson).

In an address given by President Ezra Taft Benson, entitled "Beware of Pride," he states the following:

"Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves… Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking."

Pride has no positive appeals, and yields no positive results, yet it is like a virus that can easily spread and take root in our hearts and minds. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but that does not mean succumbing to the deadly poison of pride is inevitable and impossible to overcome.

So, how does one overcome pride? President Benson goes on to share the following:

"The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit."

Goddard also expounds upon this in his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" when stating that we cure pride through “turn[ing] to God in faith and repentance,” and also turning outward. It is not only pride that will be cured when we think less in terms of “me” and more in terms of “we” in our relationships/marriages, but we will also find happiness (pg. 72).

Pride is something that I have had to combat on more occasions than I could ever count, and something I have continually worked to overcome throughout my life. It is not easy to overcome, but definitely possible. Overcoming pride, and the natural (self-centered) man in each of us is possible through continuous efforts to be humble, meek, and submissive. The more we strive to become like the Savior, and do become like Him, the easier it will be to overcome the deadly sin of pride. I know from personal experience that this is true, and that our happiness truly does increase as we do so.

There are so many ways that overcoming pride can be applied in our lives, and especially in our marriages, so I wanted to close out my blog entry by sharing an activity provided by Gottman. It is called the "Accepting Influence Questionnaire" and can be found here. There are several other activities in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," so I would highly recommend getting it!

Original image can be found here.

References:

Benson, E.T. "Beware of Pride," Ensign, May 1989, 4–7.

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books. 

The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," John Gottman shares what he called "The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning" (pg. 263). When couples work to expand upon the four pillars, their relationship and family life is strengthened. I loved the four pillars, and felt that out of everything I learned this week, it is what I wanted to focus on and share in my blog post this week.

The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning:

1. Rituals of Connection: It is important to create rituals in your marriage and family, so that you may stay better connected with one another. As stated by Gottman, a ritual "is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness" (pg. 263). Rituals can be as simple as having family dinner regularly, or having a yearly family reunion. Both of those are rituals that I have taken part of in my family, and I can say that in doing so my family has been strengthened and found further connection with one another.
   
2. Support for Each Other's Roles: Much of where we feel our place in the world is comes from the different roles we have. For examples, roles can consist of spouses, parents, workers, and so on. How we perceive our roles can either positively or negatively affect how we view our spouse, bringing either harmony or tension (pg. 266). When we have similar expectations with our spouse, greater harmony is achieved.
   
3. Shared Goals: Setting and striving to achieve goals brings greater meaning to life. When you share your goals with your spouse, you create a more intimate relationship with them. When you work together in achieving goals, you marriage becomes stronger as well. I may not be married yet, but based upon my personal experience with others, I know that setting goals and working towards goals with others is a wonderful way to strengthen relationships. Many of the close relationships I have have been strengthened through shared goals.
   
4. Shared Values and Symbols: Couples who share similar values and beliefs bring shared meaning to their marriage. Such beliefs provide guidance in how you hope to live your life (pg. 270). For many, religious beliefs contribute to shared values, but irreligious couples may be guided in their own belief system as well. Shared symbols may consist of things such as the crucifix, or even family stories. For example, one of my family's shared symbols is our home. We built our own home as a family, and it stand as a symbol for many things, such as the importance of hard work, and working together. It is a wonderful reminder of the importance of unity, and each time I get home and see my house, I think of those things and the many lessons I learned.

There are some amazing activities in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver, and I would highly recommend couples do the exercises provided! It is an amazing way to strengthen the bonds of marriage, and something I look forward to doing with my own spouse one day.

I think it is important to share a great reminder that Gottman provides when seeking to apply the four pillars above: Remember, "the goal shouldn't be to agree on every aspect of what is profoundly meaningful to you, but to have a marriage where you are both open to each other's most dearly held beliefs. The more you create a marriage where these convictions can be readily divulged, the more joyous will be the life that you share" (pg. 276).

I hope that these four pillars will be helpful and enlighten you, as they have me!

And just in case you are wondering what the book looks like, if you would like to purchase it and do the activities:

References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Love Maps

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver, Gottman refers to something that is known as "love maps." Essentially, a love map is the “part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (pg. 54). Couples with good love maps have made a lot of space in their brains for their marriage. It is crucial that we continually get to know our partner in order to create a lasting love.

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So how do we create strong love maps? Simply put, partners must truly get to know one another - including their "life goals, worries, and hopes" (pg. 54). In order to aid in strengthening love maps, Gottman created a questionnaire and game to assist couples in doing so. There are a wide variety of different questions, such as the following:

• When is my birthday?
• What do I most like to do with time off?
• What do I fear the most?
• Do I have a secret ambition? What is it?
• What is my favorite animal?

A full list, as well as instructions to the games can be found here: https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Love-Maps-White-Paper.pdf

I'm sure some of the questions may have surprised you, just as I was surprised by many of them. At one point I even remember wondering why it was even important to know some of the answers to some of the questions asked. Thankfully, Gottman gives some excellent reasons why. One of the greatest reasons given was the following:

"Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict" (pg. 54).

Couples who have created strong love maps know each other more deeply, and with that knowledge comes strength, and with strength comes the ability to brave the storms of life together hand in hand.

It is not just knowledge of one another that can make a marriage endure though. Love maps are to be accompanied by fondness and admiration. It’s really important to remember the positive experiences and memories you share with another individual. Nurturing fondness and admiration can save relationships, and strengthen them as well.

Whether it be through complementing a spouse, or talking about a positive experience you have had with them, such positive things help nurture the relationship. This not only helps spouses remember why they liked each other, but also strengthens their love and admiration for one another.

I may not be married yet, but I have learned from personal experience that cultivating strong friendships and relationships is something all of us can do. It is important to have strong relationships with others, and I know through nourishing the relationships I have now, it will be easier for me to do so in my marriage.

In closing, I wanted to share a quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley, which states:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become

commonplace and even dull. I know of no more

certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane

than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact

that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter

of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative

process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I

know of no more effective way for a woman to keep

ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to

look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a

part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked

when there is respect and admiration and

encouragement. The very processes of such actions

will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for

one another” (p. 24)

When we choose to make actions that cultivate respect, admiration, encouragement, and so on, we are cultivating our relationships. My invitation is to see in what ways you can better nourish and strengthen your relationships with others, and for those who are married, I hope that you make time to do the games/questionnaires provided by Gottman to strengthen your love map with your spouse!

Original image can be found here.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Hinckley, G. B. Marr. & Fam. Rel. Part. Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The Four Horsemen

This week my class and I began reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver. So far it has been a wonderful and informative read, and I would highly recommend it to everyone. Gottman has conducted research regarding marriage relationships for over 40 years, and this week I had the opportunity to apply some of his findings in my own life.

Of everything that I read, the section that stood out to me the most was what he calls "The Four Horsemen." The horsemen consist of things that can negatively impact, and ultimately may destroy relationships. Below are the different horsemen, and a brief description of each one:

1. Criticism: It's important to note that there is a difference between a complaint and criticism. Complaints are centered around events and behaviors, whereas criticism is centered around negative feelings towards one's personality and/or character. 
2. Contempt: When a partner is disrespectful and exercises superiority of the other partner. Common forms of contempt consist of sarcasm, cynicism, hostile humor, eye-rolling, and so on.
3. Defensiveness: In instances of defensiveness, a spouse is putting blame on the other spouse and playing the victim. Rarely does the other spouse back out or apologize; defensiveness increases conflict tremendously.
4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling can occur when the other horsemen are present in a relationship. The above three destructive habits can eventually lead to stonewalling, which is when a spouse tunes out the other spouse, This can consist of being unresponsive, not making eye contact, or acknowledging the other spouse. There is a wall placed between spouses, and this can be very destructive.

It is crucial that the Four Horsemen do not overrun a relationship, for "when the four horsemen rule a couple's communication, repair attempts often don't even get noticed" (Gottman, pg. 45).

I decided that I would put what I learned into practice, and this week I tracked when I utilized any of the four horsemen in my relationships with others. It was an eye opening experience that helped me realize how common these different horsemen can be. Not only was a able to recognize when I used the different four horsemen, but I was able to exercise the antidotes as well, which are summarized below:

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It was a very enriching experience, and one that I was able to learn from greatly. My invitation to those who read this blog post is the track the horsemen in your life, and take corrective action as well. I promise that it will strengthen and enrich the relationships you have, especially with your spouse.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.