Love Maps

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver, Gottman refers to something that is known as "love maps." Essentially, a love map is the “part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (pg. 54). Couples with good love maps have made a lot of space in their brains for their marriage. It is crucial that we continually get to know our partner in order to create a lasting love.

Original image can be found here.

So how do we create strong love maps? Simply put, partners must truly get to know one another - including their "life goals, worries, and hopes" (pg. 54). In order to aid in strengthening love maps, Gottman created a questionnaire and game to assist couples in doing so. There are a wide variety of different questions, such as the following:

• When is my birthday?
• What do I most like to do with time off?
• What do I fear the most?
• Do I have a secret ambition? What is it?
• What is my favorite animal?

A full list, as well as instructions to the games can be found here: https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Love-Maps-White-Paper.pdf

I'm sure some of the questions may have surprised you, just as I was surprised by many of them. At one point I even remember wondering why it was even important to know some of the answers to some of the questions asked. Thankfully, Gottman gives some excellent reasons why. One of the greatest reasons given was the following:

"Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict" (pg. 54).

Couples who have created strong love maps know each other more deeply, and with that knowledge comes strength, and with strength comes the ability to brave the storms of life together hand in hand.

It is not just knowledge of one another that can make a marriage endure though. Love maps are to be accompanied by fondness and admiration. It’s really important to remember the positive experiences and memories you share with another individual. Nurturing fondness and admiration can save relationships, and strengthen them as well.

Whether it be through complementing a spouse, or talking about a positive experience you have had with them, such positive things help nurture the relationship. This not only helps spouses remember why they liked each other, but also strengthens their love and admiration for one another.

I may not be married yet, but I have learned from personal experience that cultivating strong friendships and relationships is something all of us can do. It is important to have strong relationships with others, and I know through nourishing the relationships I have now, it will be easier for me to do so in my marriage.

In closing, I wanted to share a quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley, which states:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become

commonplace and even dull. I know of no more

certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane

than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact

that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter

of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative

process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I

know of no more effective way for a woman to keep

ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to

look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a

part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked

when there is respect and admiration and

encouragement. The very processes of such actions

will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for

one another” (p. 24)

When we choose to make actions that cultivate respect, admiration, encouragement, and so on, we are cultivating our relationships. My invitation is to see in what ways you can better nourish and strengthen your relationships with others, and for those who are married, I hope that you make time to do the games/questionnaires provided by Gottman to strengthen your love map with your spouse!

Original image can be found here.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Hinckley, G. B. Marr. & Fam. Rel. Part. Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.