The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," John Gottman shares what he called "The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning" (pg. 263). When couples work to expand upon the four pillars, their relationship and family life is strengthened. I loved the four pillars, and felt that out of everything I learned this week, it is what I wanted to focus on and share in my blog post this week.

The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning:

1. Rituals of Connection: It is important to create rituals in your marriage and family, so that you may stay better connected with one another. As stated by Gottman, a ritual "is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness" (pg. 263). Rituals can be as simple as having family dinner regularly, or having a yearly family reunion. Both of those are rituals that I have taken part of in my family, and I can say that in doing so my family has been strengthened and found further connection with one another.
   
2. Support for Each Other's Roles: Much of where we feel our place in the world is comes from the different roles we have. For examples, roles can consist of spouses, parents, workers, and so on. How we perceive our roles can either positively or negatively affect how we view our spouse, bringing either harmony or tension (pg. 266). When we have similar expectations with our spouse, greater harmony is achieved.
   
3. Shared Goals: Setting and striving to achieve goals brings greater meaning to life. When you share your goals with your spouse, you create a more intimate relationship with them. When you work together in achieving goals, you marriage becomes stronger as well. I may not be married yet, but based upon my personal experience with others, I know that setting goals and working towards goals with others is a wonderful way to strengthen relationships. Many of the close relationships I have have been strengthened through shared goals.
   
4. Shared Values and Symbols: Couples who share similar values and beliefs bring shared meaning to their marriage. Such beliefs provide guidance in how you hope to live your life (pg. 270). For many, religious beliefs contribute to shared values, but irreligious couples may be guided in their own belief system as well. Shared symbols may consist of things such as the crucifix, or even family stories. For example, one of my family's shared symbols is our home. We built our own home as a family, and it stand as a symbol for many things, such as the importance of hard work, and working together. It is a wonderful reminder of the importance of unity, and each time I get home and see my house, I think of those things and the many lessons I learned.

There are some amazing activities in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver, and I would highly recommend couples do the exercises provided! It is an amazing way to strengthen the bonds of marriage, and something I look forward to doing with my own spouse one day.

I think it is important to share a great reminder that Gottman provides when seeking to apply the four pillars above: Remember, "the goal shouldn't be to agree on every aspect of what is profoundly meaningful to you, but to have a marriage where you are both open to each other's most dearly held beliefs. The more you create a marriage where these convictions can be readily divulged, the more joyous will be the life that you share" (pg. 276).

I hope that these four pillars will be helpful and enlighten you, as they have me!

And just in case you are wondering what the book looks like, if you would like to purchase it and do the activities:

References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.