Solving Solvable Problems

It is inevitable that some problems may come up in marriage, but how we handle the problems we face can make a huge difference. In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver, Gottman refers to different marital conflicts as either "solvable" or "perpetual." 69% of marital conflicts fall under the category of perpetual conflicts, but even with perpetual conflicts couples can find a great deal of happiness (pg. 138). 

One of the key principles in being able to handle perpetual problems is learn how to deal with "unmovable problems so that they don't become overwhelming" (Gottman, pg. 138). In "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., he shares a simple example of a minor perpetual problem in his marriage, regarding toothpaste: 

Goddard has a method of how to squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube so that no toothpaste is wasted, while his wife does not share this same enthusiasm. No matter how hard he has tried to get his wife to use his same method, it never seems to work. Goddard has come to realize that such petty preferences should not drive a knife in their marriage, or negatively effect his view of his wife. Although a seemingly silly example, many perpetual problems fall in this category. Whether is be over toothpaste or messy counter tops, such conflict will always exist (pg. 104).

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What about the solvable problems though? Gottman provides five principles to assist in solving solvable problems, so that they do not interfere with the happiness and joy that can be found in married life (pg. 161):

1. Soften your start-up (harsh start-ups invite the four horsemen!)
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Harsh Startup Questionnaire can be found here.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Repair Attempts Questionnaire can be found here.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Flooding Questionnaire can be found here.
4. Compromise.
• "Compromise is not about just one person changing. It's about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other" (pg. 184).
5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger.
• An activity provided by Gottman regarding processing previous emotional injuries in your marriage can be found here.

There are a lot more amazing and helpful activities in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," so I would highly recommend getting a copy of the book (which can be purchased here). 

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I learned so much from going through the the different principles provided for solving solvable problems, and am grateful for the opportunities I have to apply these principles in my life, even as a single adult. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity I have to learn of these things now, so that I can better apply them in my future marriage. I strongly encourage those who are married to truly take the steps, questionnaires, and activities seriously because I know that they can be of great benefit to your marriages!

"Marriage is an assault upon the lonely, atomic ego.  Marriage is a threat to the solitary individual.  Marriage does impose grueling, humbling, baffling, and frustrating responsibilities. Yet, marriage is not the enemy of moral development in adults. Quite the opposite.  Being married and having children has impressed on my mind certain lessons, for whose learning I cannot help being grateful.  My bonds to [my family] are, I know, my liberation.  They force me to be a different sort of human being, in a way in which I want and need to be forced." 

- Michael Novak in Harper’s Magazine, April 1976

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.