The Four Horsemen

This week my class and I began reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver. So far it has been a wonderful and informative read, and I would highly recommend it to everyone. Gottman has conducted research regarding marriage relationships for over 40 years, and this week I had the opportunity to apply some of his findings in my own life.

Of everything that I read, the section that stood out to me the most was what he calls "The Four Horsemen." The horsemen consist of things that can negatively impact, and ultimately may destroy relationships. Below are the different horsemen, and a brief description of each one:

1. Criticism: It's important to note that there is a difference between a complaint and criticism. Complaints are centered around events and behaviors, whereas criticism is centered around negative feelings towards one's personality and/or character. 
2. Contempt: When a partner is disrespectful and exercises superiority of the other partner. Common forms of contempt consist of sarcasm, cynicism, hostile humor, eye-rolling, and so on.
3. Defensiveness: In instances of defensiveness, a spouse is putting blame on the other spouse and playing the victim. Rarely does the other spouse back out or apologize; defensiveness increases conflict tremendously.
4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling can occur when the other horsemen are present in a relationship. The above three destructive habits can eventually lead to stonewalling, which is when a spouse tunes out the other spouse, This can consist of being unresponsive, not making eye contact, or acknowledging the other spouse. There is a wall placed between spouses, and this can be very destructive.

It is crucial that the Four Horsemen do not overrun a relationship, for "when the four horsemen rule a couple's communication, repair attempts often don't even get noticed" (Gottman, pg. 45).

I decided that I would put what I learned into practice, and this week I tracked when I utilized any of the four horsemen in my relationships with others. It was an eye opening experience that helped me realize how common these different horsemen can be. Not only was a able to recognize when I used the different four horsemen, but I was able to exercise the antidotes as well, which are summarized below:

the original image can be found here

It was a very enriching experience, and one that I was able to learn from greatly. My invitation to those who read this blog post is the track the horsemen in your life, and take corrective action as well. I promise that it will strengthen and enrich the relationships you have, especially with your spouse.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.