Love Maps

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver, Gottman refers to something that is known as "love maps." Essentially, a love map is the “part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (pg. 54). Couples with good love maps have made a lot of space in their brains for their marriage. It is crucial that we continually get to know our partner in order to create a lasting love.

Original image can be found here.

So how do we create strong love maps? Simply put, partners must truly get to know one another - including their "life goals, worries, and hopes" (pg. 54). In order to aid in strengthening love maps, Gottman created a questionnaire and game to assist couples in doing so. There are a wide variety of different questions, such as the following:

• When is my birthday?
• What do I most like to do with time off?
• What do I fear the most?
• Do I have a secret ambition? What is it?
• What is my favorite animal?

A full list, as well as instructions to the games can be found here: https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Love-Maps-White-Paper.pdf

I'm sure some of the questions may have surprised you, just as I was surprised by many of them. At one point I even remember wondering why it was even important to know some of the answers to some of the questions asked. Thankfully, Gottman gives some excellent reasons why. One of the greatest reasons given was the following:

"Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict" (pg. 54).

Couples who have created strong love maps know each other more deeply, and with that knowledge comes strength, and with strength comes the ability to brave the storms of life together hand in hand.

It is not just knowledge of one another that can make a marriage endure though. Love maps are to be accompanied by fondness and admiration. It’s really important to remember the positive experiences and memories you share with another individual. Nurturing fondness and admiration can save relationships, and strengthen them as well.

Whether it be through complementing a spouse, or talking about a positive experience you have had with them, such positive things help nurture the relationship. This not only helps spouses remember why they liked each other, but also strengthens their love and admiration for one another.

I may not be married yet, but I have learned from personal experience that cultivating strong friendships and relationships is something all of us can do. It is important to have strong relationships with others, and I know through nourishing the relationships I have now, it will be easier for me to do so in my marriage.

In closing, I wanted to share a quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley, which states:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become

commonplace and even dull. I know of no more

certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane

than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact

that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter

of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative

process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I

know of no more effective way for a woman to keep

ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to

look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a

part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked

when there is respect and admiration and

encouragement. The very processes of such actions

will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for

one another” (p. 24)

When we choose to make actions that cultivate respect, admiration, encouragement, and so on, we are cultivating our relationships. My invitation is to see in what ways you can better nourish and strengthen your relationships with others, and for those who are married, I hope that you make time to do the games/questionnaires provided by Gottman to strengthen your love map with your spouse!

Original image can be found here.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Hinckley, G. B. Marr. & Fam. Rel. Part. Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The Four Horsemen

This week my class and I began reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver. So far it has been a wonderful and informative read, and I would highly recommend it to everyone. Gottman has conducted research regarding marriage relationships for over 40 years, and this week I had the opportunity to apply some of his findings in my own life.

Of everything that I read, the section that stood out to me the most was what he calls "The Four Horsemen." The horsemen consist of things that can negatively impact, and ultimately may destroy relationships. Below are the different horsemen, and a brief description of each one:

1. Criticism: It's important to note that there is a difference between a complaint and criticism. Complaints are centered around events and behaviors, whereas criticism is centered around negative feelings towards one's personality and/or character. 
2. Contempt: When a partner is disrespectful and exercises superiority of the other partner. Common forms of contempt consist of sarcasm, cynicism, hostile humor, eye-rolling, and so on.
3. Defensiveness: In instances of defensiveness, a spouse is putting blame on the other spouse and playing the victim. Rarely does the other spouse back out or apologize; defensiveness increases conflict tremendously.
4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling can occur when the other horsemen are present in a relationship. The above three destructive habits can eventually lead to stonewalling, which is when a spouse tunes out the other spouse, This can consist of being unresponsive, not making eye contact, or acknowledging the other spouse. There is a wall placed between spouses, and this can be very destructive.

It is crucial that the Four Horsemen do not overrun a relationship, for "when the four horsemen rule a couple's communication, repair attempts often don't even get noticed" (Gottman, pg. 45).

I decided that I would put what I learned into practice, and this week I tracked when I utilized any of the four horsemen in my relationships with others. It was an eye opening experience that helped me realize how common these different horsemen can be. Not only was a able to recognize when I used the different four horsemen, but I was able to exercise the antidotes as well, which are summarized below:

the original image can be found here

It was a very enriching experience, and one that I was able to learn from greatly. My invitation to those who read this blog post is the track the horsemen in your life, and take corrective action as well. I promise that it will strengthen and enrich the relationships you have, especially with your spouse.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Eternal Marriage

Eternal marriage is a rather large topic to address, but in this week's blog post my hope is to focus on the impact it can have on a husband and wife's posterity.

For starters, what is an "eternal marriage"? Based upon my study and experience, I have come to know that eternal marriage is a covenant between a husband, wife, and God. An eternal marriage is performed by the sealing power of the priesthood in the temple of the Lord. When a husband and wife are sealed in the temple, they have the opportunity to not only be bound together for eternity, but to have an eternal family bound to them as well.

(link to the original picture can be found here.)

The eternal family is so important that the adversary does everything that he can to tear the family apart. No unit is more attacked than the family, and it's evidence is all around us. Elder Bruce C. Hafen once stated in his address Covenant Marriage that "the adversary has long cultivated [an] overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it." I feel that there is a heavy emphasis on personal autonomy in today’s society, but in selfish ways. So many have become so self absorbed, that a commonly asked question seems to be “what’s in it for me?” which is far from walking in the ways of Christ. Many seem to be far more focused on doing what they want to do, rather than doing what is truly right. This way of thinking is dangerous, and has become a commonly used weapon against the family unit.

President Ezra Taft Benson once declared that "salvation is a family affair," so of course the adversary does not want the family to succeed. Satan "seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27).

So what can we do to help our posterity? We can lead by example. We can obey the Lord and His commandments. We can do the things we want our children to do. If we want our children to get sealed for time and eternity in the temple, the likelihood of that increases when we make and keep those same sacred covenants.

President Ezra Taft Benson once said: “When our children obey the Lord and go to the temple to receive their blessings and enter into the marriage covenant, they enter into the same order of the priesthood that God instituted in the very beginning with father Adam.” Marriage has been an institution created and ordained of God since the beginning of time, and we have the blessing to partake in it, and also have a responsibility to pass it's importance on to our children.

So, in what ways can I prepare for a covenant marriage now? Personally, I have set a goal to do the following:

• I am going to continue attending the temple regularly (be consistent).
• I will pray daily, and study the scriptures daily; learn more about, and gain a deeper testimony of the doctrine of covenant marriage.
• I will actively seek opportunities to serve others.
• I will strive to magnify my church calling, and make it so that husbands and wives have time for each other and their families at home.
• I will work to not give up easily on relationships now (whether it be with family, friendships, and so on) so that I may be more prepared to not give up in my marriage (strive to give 100%).

I invite everyone who reads this blog post to ask themselves the same question: In what ways can you prepare for a covenant marriage? And if you are already married: In what ways can you strengthen your covenant marriage?

In conclusion, I wanted to share one of my favorite Mormon Messages regarding a selfless, covenant marriage:

Becoming "Defenders of Marriage"

There is a lot of controversy surrounding the Supreme Court's decision to legalize same-sex marriage. There are many of those who are in favor of the court ruling, and there are many who are not. It is a topic I have pondered a lot about, and this week I had the opportunity to read more about the the Supreme Court's decision, and the judges who dissented from the majority. There were many compelling arguments, and points made from those who dissented from the majority, and ultimately opposed the legalization of same-sex marriage. My hope is to share some of their points and tie their remarks with religious principles in line with those of the Mormon faith (and many other Christian faiths).

Some of the dissenting judges remarks consisted of the following:

• "This universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence. Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship."
• "The Framers created our Constitution to preserve that understanding of liberty. Yet the majority invokes our Constitution in the name of a “liberty” that the Framers would not have recognized, to the detriment of the liberty they sought to protect."
• "...‘liberty’ is not lost, nor can it be found in the way petitioners seek. As a philosophical matter, liberty is only freedom from governmental action, not an entitlement to governmental benefits."
• "If this traditional understanding of the purpose of marriage does not ring true to all ears today, that is probably because the tie between marriage and procreation has frayed. Today, for instance, more than 40% of all children in this country are born to unmarried women. This development undoubtedly is both a cause and a result of changes in our society’s understanding of marriage."
• "Today’s decision usurps the constitutional right of the people to decide whether to keep or alter the traditional understanding of marriage. The decision will also have other important consequences. It will be used to vilify Americans who are unwilling to assent to the new orthodoxy."
• "Today’s decision will also have a fundamental effect on this Court and its ability to uphold the rule of law. If a bare majority of Justices can invent a new right and impose that right on the rest of the country, the only real limit on what future majorities will be able to do is their own sense of what those with political power and cultural influence are willing to tolerate. Even enthusiastic supporters of same-sex marriage should worry about the scope of the power that today’s majority claims."

It was compelling to read their remarks (including those above), and see the insight they brought in accordance to the law, and the effects such a decision could have upon our society. Prophets and apostles have prophesied for a long time of such confusing times. The Apostle Paul once said the following:

"In the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, . . . despisers of those that are good, . . . lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God. From such turn away" (2 Timothy 3:1–5).

We live in, as Paul states, "perilous times." It is a difficult time, where the line between what is right and wrong has been blurred for many. As one of the Supreme Court judges stated though, "this universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence... It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship."

Marriage between man and woman has been a religious institution since the beginning of time, ordained of God. In legalizing same-sex marriage, the Lord’s institution of marriage is being desecrated, and the effects of redefining marriage will continue to affect society for the worse, just as things such as children being born into a single-parent home has become more widely accepted.

Elder Russell M. Nelson has admonished us to be "disciples of the Lord" and "defenders of marriage." It is crucial that we defend the institution of marriage, as ordained by God. Some of those in our society, and the majority vote of Supreme Court judges do not determine what marriage is, the Lord does, for He is the one who created such a sacred institution. 

Being "defenders of marriage" may not always be easy, but the path of discipleship is not always easy either. It is a path that requires a great deal of faith, and is often accompanied by trials and tribulations. It is also a blessed path though, and one where we received the Lord's promised blessings that we will be protected. I know that this is true from my own personal experience, and that although the path of discipleship is not always easy, it is definitely worth it.

My hope is that some of the insight shared regarding the Supreme Court's ruling, accompanied with gospel truth may be able to help those who read this blog post in their efforts to defend marriage, and strengthen their testimony of this gospel truth.

Renaissance of Marriage by President Henry B. Eyring:

References:

Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement.

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.

Divorce: Sarah's Story

Seeing that this is my first blog entry, I wanted to first establish that I am Mormon/LDS, so my blog may contain religious context pertaining to my faith, and will be written with LDS people as the intended audience. However, what I share is not limited to just those of my faith. All are welcome to read my posts and make commentary/ask questions. With that said, I hope you enjoy my blog!

Divorce:

Divorce is a complicated subject, and due to the experience of someone very dear to me, it is also a topic I have always been interested in learning more about. A lot can be said about divorce, and this week I had a wonderful opportunity to explore the topic more in depth for one of my college courses.

Rather than spit out a bunch of random facts, I felt the need to share a couple of the insights I gained as a result of my studies, in applying them to a real life experience. I hope that some of what I share is able to help others who read this entry.

Over the past few decades, the overall trend of divorce has risen. Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce (State of Our Unions 2012), and no one is exempt from the possibility of experiencing divorce, whether it as a child of divorced parents, or through one's own divorce from a spouse. I do not say that with the intent to scare anyone, but to show the common reality divorce has become for many.

According to official statements from Mormon Apostles, Elder Dallin H. Oak and Elder James E. Faust specifically, divorce is acceptable in some instances. Some marriages fail, and it's important to be understanding of that. Such was the case of someone in my family, who I will refer to as Sarah.

Sarah's Story:

When Sarah was young, her parents separated, and she rarely saw her father after that. She moved to a different state with her mother and three younger siblings, and for the rest of her childhood she lived in a single-parent home. The divorce of her parents brought on a lot of change, and with that change came a lot of hardships.

In an article by Paul R. Amato he shares various risks children face when in single-parent homes, some of which were hardships Sarah and her family faced. Through their circumstances, Sarah’s family ended up suffering from economic hardships, stress, and a reduction in the quality of parenting received. Sarah's mother tried her best to do all that she could, but due to working full-time (in order provide just enough for them to get by), it made it difficult for her to always be there for her children in all the ways she wanted to be. It was a difficult situation, but one with hope.

When placed in such circumstances, it can be hard to get out of and break the cycle, but that is what Sarah did. She became what is referred to as a "transitional character," which is one who changes the entire course of a lineage within a single generation (Broderick). Sarah worked extremely hard so that she could go to college, and was productive with her life. She ultimately found a wonderful man, to whom she has now been married to for over 30 years and has had 8 children with; many of those children having successful marriages/families of their own.

Sarah's story is a story of hope; a story that shows that we can break the mold, even if it's hard. She may have experienced many trials that come with divorce and being raised in a single-parent home, but the key was that she did not allow her circumstances to define her and control her destiny. Sarah was determined to make her life better, and she found the gospel of Jesus Christ in her teenage years. Through the gospel she was able to find healing in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, came to know that it was possible for her to have a wonderful family of her own, and that it was possible for her to succeed in life. The story of Sarah's triumph can be the story of many others.

I want to close out my entry by sharing a Mormon Message, which addresses the topic of divorce, and I hope it inspires you, as it has inspired me:

Divorce should not be the go-to option for couples and is not meant to be taken lightly, and I know that repentance should be turned to first as we strive to mend what seems to be broken. However, each of us has agency and some of us are truly victims of such circumstances, just as Sarah was.

My hope is that we may all take marriage and its commitments seriously, and that divorce is never the first "solution" that comes to mind, nor is it one taken lightly. If divorce does result (and in some cases it may be for the best), my prayer is that all those involved may find healing and know that they should not consider themselves failures, and that it is possible to find greater happiness again.

Sources:
Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation. The Future of Children.
Carlfred Broderick (1992). Marriage and the Family. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.
Faust, J. E. (May 1993). "Father, Come Home." Ensign.
Oaks, D. H. (May 2007). "Divorce." Ensign.
State of Our Unions 2012; The National Marriage Project.