Cleaving Unto Your Spouse: Relationships with In-Laws and Extended Families

As shown in many of my previous blog posts, there are a lot of different things spouses must go through together in order to have a healthy and successful marriage. One of those big changes is inheriting an additional family. This can be a very challenging adjustment for many, but also a great blessing. There are many things that could be addressed regarding this topic, but there is one principle in general that I feel is important to focus on: cleaving unto your spouse.

In Genesis 2:24 it states the following:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

The Lord counsels us to cleave unto our spouse. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, to cleave means to "cling to a person or thing closely," or "to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly." When we are married, our spouse comes before all other earthly relationships. This does not mean they should abandon their parents, however. Elder Marvin J. Ashton said the following in regards to this changing relationship:

"Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength, a refuge, a delight, and an eternal unit. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement."

So, what are some simple ways in which spouses and extended families can make positive adjustments?

President Spencer W. Kimball outlined the following:

1. Married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses.
2. If possible, married children should establish their own household, separate from their parents.
3. Any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.

Even with the above counsel, such adjustments made by married children may be difficult for some parents, but it is extremely important that parents find ways to be supportive of their children and their spouses. When couples run into issues during these adjustment periods with their parents and parents-in-law, it is important that they do the following:

1. Express love to the parents for all that they do.
2. Explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity.
3. Explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship.

Parents need assurance that their children and their spouses/families will still be a part of, and participate in some family activities, while also understanding the importance of establishing their own family activities and traditions as well.

I may not be married yet, but I have witnessed the importance of the adjustments that must be made through my experience with my siblings and their spouses. Each of my brothers-in-law and sister-in-law have been a wonderful addition to my family, bringing new perspective and experience.

Original image can be found here.

There is a lot of wonderful information on relationships with in-laws and extended families, so I would highly recommend reading the following material cited in the "References" section below!

References:

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Having a Balance of Power in Family Relationships

In this week's blog post I want to focus on some of the content written in an article by Richard B. Miller titled "Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families." It's a marvelous article that addresses the important issues of "power, control, and hierarchy" in family units. This is such an important topic to talk about, especially since many family problems stem from issues of power.

Miller provides an excellent list of things to keep in mind (when it comes to power) that I felt were important to share.

1. Parents are the leaders in the family.
• This does not mean they are dictators, but rather leaders.
2. Parents must be united in their leadership.
• Parents must work together in decision making, and remain consistent.
3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
• When children are older it is important that parents no longer exercise control over their children.
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.
• Husbands and wives are equal.
• Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.
• A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.
• Husbands and wives work together as partners.
5. What is the power relationship in your marriage?
• To assess this, an activity by the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University (also found in "Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families") is provided below:

Marital Power Scale

How much do you agree with this statement?

Strongly Disagree (1) Disagree (2) Neutral (3) Agree (4) Strongly Agree (5)

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion. 1 2 3 4 5

2. My partner does not listen to me. 1 2 3 4 5

3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it. 1 2 3 4 5

4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations. 1 2 3 4 5

5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder. 1 2 3 4 5

6. I feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family talking to me first. 1 2 3 4 5

8. My partner and I talk about problems until we both agree on a solution. 1 2 3 4 5

9. When it comes to money, my partner’s opinion usually wins out. 1 2 3 4 5

10. I feel like my partner tries to control me. 1 2 3 4 5

11. When it comes to children, my partner’s opinion usually wins out. 1 2 3 4 5

12. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship that I can never get 

away with. 1 2 3 4 5

13. I feel like I have no choice but to do what my partner wants. 1 2 3 4 5

14. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do. 1 2 3 4 5

15. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner’s opinion usually wins out. 

1 2 3 4 5

Original image can be found here.

I hope the above points and activity helped you as much as they did me. The overall article by Miller is very informative and enlightening, and I would highly recommend reading it! It can be found here.

I know that maintaining a healthy balance of power in marriage and family relationships is so important, and can help a family overcome and avoid many of the problems and trials that they may face. I wanted to close my entry by sharing a quote by Henry B. Eyring:

"A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power... A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them."

References:

Henry B. Eyring, "That We May Be One" Ensign, May 1998, 66.

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Fidelity and Faithfulness in Marriage

In this week's blog post I want to focus on fidelity and faithfulness between spouses in their marriage. I know that one of the first thoughts I have when I hear the term "infidelity" is being unfaithful sexually, but infidelity is much more than that.

So, how can unfaithfulness unfold? H. Wallace Goddard, PhD shares the order in which unfaithfulness is likely to unfold in his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage." The different stages of unfaithfulness consist the following (pg. 92-93):

1. What may seem like innocent behaviors — this can consist of something as simple as missionary work, or serving someone
2. Growing affection claims part of one's heart
3. Participating in extramarital flirting — there may be no intention of harm, but this stage typically involves justification.
4. The relationship is seen as "special" — this can lead to creating excuses to see this individual
5. Making excuses, lying, and so on to spend time with the person
6. Displacing your spouse; having emotional intimacy with "special friend"
7. Seeking to find fault in your spouse
8. Having fantasies about the other person
9. Engaging in physical affection with "special friend" — a hug, a kiss, etc.
10. Having sexual relations

I have witnessed many of these stages of unfaithfulness in my life through watching some of those around me, and it is a sad thing to see. Something so seemingly innocent can become a major knife driven between spouses, but the good news is that there are ways to prevent such troubles from occurring. In a summarized version, here are the following guidelines Goddard provides (pg. 94-95):

1. Do not allow seeds of lust to germinate.
2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
3. Take responsibility for the messages that you give — for example, do not flirt with or seek after affection from someone other than your spouse.
4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone — for example, daydreaming of another.
5. If you find yourself making excuses for continuing a relationship, you are addicted — seek help, for example, through going to your bishop or stake president.
6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.
7. Renew your spiritual efforts.
8. Don't set yourself up for failure.
9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography.
10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship.

 Fidelity within marriage is so important. Marriage and family is at the center of God's plan for us, and there is no earthly relationship more important than our relationship with our spouse. As stated in "A Parent's Guide" published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

“Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional,

psychological, and spiritual need associated with this

sacred act. They will be able to complement each other

in the marriage relationship if they give tender,

considerate attention to these needs of their partner.

Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than

to use this highly significant relationship merely to

satisfy his or her own passion.

Couples will discover differences in the needs or

desires each partner has for the relationship, but

when each strives to satisfy the needs of the other

these differences need not present a serious

problem. Remember, this intimate relationship

between husband and wife was established to bring

joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous

objective will enable married couples to use their

complementary natures to bring joy to this union.”

For more information on the topics addressed, I would highly recommend getting Goddard's book  "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage." It is worth every penny!

Original image can be found here.

References:

A Parent's Guide. (n.d.). Retrieved March 15, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gridlock

In last week's blog post I addressed solving solvable problems - but what about the unsolvable problems? Every marriage has some, and Gottman refers to these problems as "perpetual problems" in his book "The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work."

So, what happens when couples have perpetual disagreements? Something referred to as gridlock (pg. 236).

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"When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to mind is of two opposing fists. Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible" (Gottman, pg. 236).

Original Image can be found here.

Sounds pretty intense, right? For me, the first time I read that, the word "impossible" stood out to me. If compromise was impossible, how could couples work through such conflict? Was it actually possible? Thankfully, the answer is yes! It may not be possible to resolve a perpetual problem, but it is possible to to reach compromise and live with such problems.

When couples encounter such problems, Gottman provides 4 steps to help couples work through gridlock in their marriage. The steps consist of the following (pg. 250-259):

1. Explore the Dream(s)
2. Soothe
3. Reach a Temporary Compromise (The Two-Circle Method)
4. Say "Thank You"

For more on the topic here is a great quick read on the Gottman Institute's blog: https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/

I may not be married yet, but I do know based on my experience with the relationships most dear to me that truly trying to understand another's dreams, and working through what those dreams mean to them can strengthen love and relationships. Much of what can help us in overcoming the effects of gridlock is having love and charity for our partner. 

For a more in depth look at Gottman's four steps be sure to get his book "The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work." It is worth every penny!

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Solving Solvable Problems

It is inevitable that some problems may come up in marriage, but how we handle the problems we face can make a huge difference. In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver, Gottman refers to different marital conflicts as either "solvable" or "perpetual." 69% of marital conflicts fall under the category of perpetual conflicts, but even with perpetual conflicts couples can find a great deal of happiness (pg. 138). 

One of the key principles in being able to handle perpetual problems is learn how to deal with "unmovable problems so that they don't become overwhelming" (Gottman, pg. 138). In "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., he shares a simple example of a minor perpetual problem in his marriage, regarding toothpaste: 

Goddard has a method of how to squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube so that no toothpaste is wasted, while his wife does not share this same enthusiasm. No matter how hard he has tried to get his wife to use his same method, it never seems to work. Goddard has come to realize that such petty preferences should not drive a knife in their marriage, or negatively effect his view of his wife. Although a seemingly silly example, many perpetual problems fall in this category. Whether is be over toothpaste or messy counter tops, such conflict will always exist (pg. 104).

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What about the solvable problems though? Gottman provides five principles to assist in solving solvable problems, so that they do not interfere with the happiness and joy that can be found in married life (pg. 161):

1. Soften your start-up (harsh start-ups invite the four horsemen!)
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Harsh Startup Questionnaire can be found here.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Repair Attempts Questionnaire can be found here.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
• In order to gauge where you and your spouse are, Gottman's Flooding Questionnaire can be found here.
4. Compromise.
• "Compromise is not about just one person changing. It's about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other" (pg. 184).
5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger.
• An activity provided by Gottman regarding processing previous emotional injuries in your marriage can be found here.

There are a lot more amazing and helpful activities in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," so I would highly recommend getting a copy of the book (which can be purchased here). 

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I learned so much from going through the the different principles provided for solving solvable problems, and am grateful for the opportunities I have to apply these principles in my life, even as a single adult. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity I have to learn of these things now, so that I can better apply them in my future marriage. I strongly encourage those who are married to truly take the steps, questionnaires, and activities seriously because I know that they can be of great benefit to your marriages!

"Marriage is an assault upon the lonely, atomic ego.  Marriage is a threat to the solitary individual.  Marriage does impose grueling, humbling, baffling, and frustrating responsibilities. Yet, marriage is not the enemy of moral development in adults. Quite the opposite.  Being married and having children has impressed on my mind certain lessons, for whose learning I cannot help being grateful.  My bonds to [my family] are, I know, my liberation.  They force me to be a different sort of human being, in a way in which I want and need to be forced." 

- Michael Novak in Harper’s Magazine, April 1976

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Beware of Pride

In a recent blog post, I shared more about Gottman's "four horsemen," that can be found in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Each of the four horsemen can become a deadly poison that damages a marriage, and in some instances diminish it, but there is one thing each of them have in common: pride. Pride is the deadliest poison that can enter into an individual, and into a marriage.

So, what is pride? There are many things that come as a result of pride, such as self-centeredness and arrogance, but at its very core is enmity. By definition, enmity is “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition” (Benson).

In an address given by President Ezra Taft Benson, entitled "Beware of Pride," he states the following:

"Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves… Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking."

Pride has no positive appeals, and yields no positive results, yet it is like a virus that can easily spread and take root in our hearts and minds. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but that does not mean succumbing to the deadly poison of pride is inevitable and impossible to overcome.

So, how does one overcome pride? President Benson goes on to share the following:

"The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit."

Goddard also expounds upon this in his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" when stating that we cure pride through “turn[ing] to God in faith and repentance,” and also turning outward. It is not only pride that will be cured when we think less in terms of “me” and more in terms of “we” in our relationships/marriages, but we will also find happiness (pg. 72).

Pride is something that I have had to combat on more occasions than I could ever count, and something I have continually worked to overcome throughout my life. It is not easy to overcome, but definitely possible. Overcoming pride, and the natural (self-centered) man in each of us is possible through continuous efforts to be humble, meek, and submissive. The more we strive to become like the Savior, and do become like Him, the easier it will be to overcome the deadly sin of pride. I know from personal experience that this is true, and that our happiness truly does increase as we do so.

There are so many ways that overcoming pride can be applied in our lives, and especially in our marriages, so I wanted to close out my blog entry by sharing an activity provided by Gottman. It is called the "Accepting Influence Questionnaire" and can be found here. There are several other activities in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," so I would highly recommend getting it!

Original image can be found here.

References:

Benson, E.T. "Beware of Pride," Ensign, May 1989, 4–7.

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books. 

The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," John Gottman shares what he called "The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning" (pg. 263). When couples work to expand upon the four pillars, their relationship and family life is strengthened. I loved the four pillars, and felt that out of everything I learned this week, it is what I wanted to focus on and share in my blog post this week.

The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning:

1. Rituals of Connection: It is important to create rituals in your marriage and family, so that you may stay better connected with one another. As stated by Gottman, a ritual "is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness" (pg. 263). Rituals can be as simple as having family dinner regularly, or having a yearly family reunion. Both of those are rituals that I have taken part of in my family, and I can say that in doing so my family has been strengthened and found further connection with one another.
   
2. Support for Each Other's Roles: Much of where we feel our place in the world is comes from the different roles we have. For examples, roles can consist of spouses, parents, workers, and so on. How we perceive our roles can either positively or negatively affect how we view our spouse, bringing either harmony or tension (pg. 266). When we have similar expectations with our spouse, greater harmony is achieved.
   
3. Shared Goals: Setting and striving to achieve goals brings greater meaning to life. When you share your goals with your spouse, you create a more intimate relationship with them. When you work together in achieving goals, you marriage becomes stronger as well. I may not be married yet, but based upon my personal experience with others, I know that setting goals and working towards goals with others is a wonderful way to strengthen relationships. Many of the close relationships I have have been strengthened through shared goals.
   
4. Shared Values and Symbols: Couples who share similar values and beliefs bring shared meaning to their marriage. Such beliefs provide guidance in how you hope to live your life (pg. 270). For many, religious beliefs contribute to shared values, but irreligious couples may be guided in their own belief system as well. Shared symbols may consist of things such as the crucifix, or even family stories. For example, one of my family's shared symbols is our home. We built our own home as a family, and it stand as a symbol for many things, such as the importance of hard work, and working together. It is a wonderful reminder of the importance of unity, and each time I get home and see my house, I think of those things and the many lessons I learned.

There are some amazing activities in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver, and I would highly recommend couples do the exercises provided! It is an amazing way to strengthen the bonds of marriage, and something I look forward to doing with my own spouse one day.

I think it is important to share a great reminder that Gottman provides when seeking to apply the four pillars above: Remember, "the goal shouldn't be to agree on every aspect of what is profoundly meaningful to you, but to have a marriage where you are both open to each other's most dearly held beliefs. The more you create a marriage where these convictions can be readily divulged, the more joyous will be the life that you share" (pg. 276).

I hope that these four pillars will be helpful and enlighten you, as they have me!

And just in case you are wondering what the book looks like, if you would like to purchase it and do the activities:

References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Love Maps

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver, Gottman refers to something that is known as "love maps." Essentially, a love map is the “part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (pg. 54). Couples with good love maps have made a lot of space in their brains for their marriage. It is crucial that we continually get to know our partner in order to create a lasting love.

Original image can be found here.

So how do we create strong love maps? Simply put, partners must truly get to know one another - including their "life goals, worries, and hopes" (pg. 54). In order to aid in strengthening love maps, Gottman created a questionnaire and game to assist couples in doing so. There are a wide variety of different questions, such as the following:

• When is my birthday?
• What do I most like to do with time off?
• What do I fear the most?
• Do I have a secret ambition? What is it?
• What is my favorite animal?

A full list, as well as instructions to the games can be found here: https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Love-Maps-White-Paper.pdf

I'm sure some of the questions may have surprised you, just as I was surprised by many of them. At one point I even remember wondering why it was even important to know some of the answers to some of the questions asked. Thankfully, Gottman gives some excellent reasons why. One of the greatest reasons given was the following:

"Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict" (pg. 54).

Couples who have created strong love maps know each other more deeply, and with that knowledge comes strength, and with strength comes the ability to brave the storms of life together hand in hand.

It is not just knowledge of one another that can make a marriage endure though. Love maps are to be accompanied by fondness and admiration. It’s really important to remember the positive experiences and memories you share with another individual. Nurturing fondness and admiration can save relationships, and strengthen them as well.

Whether it be through complementing a spouse, or talking about a positive experience you have had with them, such positive things help nurture the relationship. This not only helps spouses remember why they liked each other, but also strengthens their love and admiration for one another.

I may not be married yet, but I have learned from personal experience that cultivating strong friendships and relationships is something all of us can do. It is important to have strong relationships with others, and I know through nourishing the relationships I have now, it will be easier for me to do so in my marriage.

In closing, I wanted to share a quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley, which states:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become

commonplace and even dull. I know of no more

certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane

than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact

that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter

of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative

process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I

know of no more effective way for a woman to keep

ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to

look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a

part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked

when there is respect and admiration and

encouragement. The very processes of such actions

will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for

one another” (p. 24)

When we choose to make actions that cultivate respect, admiration, encouragement, and so on, we are cultivating our relationships. My invitation is to see in what ways you can better nourish and strengthen your relationships with others, and for those who are married, I hope that you make time to do the games/questionnaires provided by Gottman to strengthen your love map with your spouse!

Original image can be found here.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Hinckley, G. B. Marr. & Fam. Rel. Part. Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The Four Horsemen

This week my class and I began reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver. So far it has been a wonderful and informative read, and I would highly recommend it to everyone. Gottman has conducted research regarding marriage relationships for over 40 years, and this week I had the opportunity to apply some of his findings in my own life.

Of everything that I read, the section that stood out to me the most was what he calls "The Four Horsemen." The horsemen consist of things that can negatively impact, and ultimately may destroy relationships. Below are the different horsemen, and a brief description of each one:

1. Criticism: It's important to note that there is a difference between a complaint and criticism. Complaints are centered around events and behaviors, whereas criticism is centered around negative feelings towards one's personality and/or character. 
2. Contempt: When a partner is disrespectful and exercises superiority of the other partner. Common forms of contempt consist of sarcasm, cynicism, hostile humor, eye-rolling, and so on.
3. Defensiveness: In instances of defensiveness, a spouse is putting blame on the other spouse and playing the victim. Rarely does the other spouse back out or apologize; defensiveness increases conflict tremendously.
4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling can occur when the other horsemen are present in a relationship. The above three destructive habits can eventually lead to stonewalling, which is when a spouse tunes out the other spouse, This can consist of being unresponsive, not making eye contact, or acknowledging the other spouse. There is a wall placed between spouses, and this can be very destructive.

It is crucial that the Four Horsemen do not overrun a relationship, for "when the four horsemen rule a couple's communication, repair attempts often don't even get noticed" (Gottman, pg. 45).

I decided that I would put what I learned into practice, and this week I tracked when I utilized any of the four horsemen in my relationships with others. It was an eye opening experience that helped me realize how common these different horsemen can be. Not only was a able to recognize when I used the different four horsemen, but I was able to exercise the antidotes as well, which are summarized below:

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It was a very enriching experience, and one that I was able to learn from greatly. My invitation to those who read this blog post is the track the horsemen in your life, and take corrective action as well. I promise that it will strengthen and enrich the relationships you have, especially with your spouse.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Eternal Marriage

Eternal marriage is a rather large topic to address, but in this week's blog post my hope is to focus on the impact it can have on a husband and wife's posterity.

For starters, what is an "eternal marriage"? Based upon my study and experience, I have come to know that eternal marriage is a covenant between a husband, wife, and God. An eternal marriage is performed by the sealing power of the priesthood in the temple of the Lord. When a husband and wife are sealed in the temple, they have the opportunity to not only be bound together for eternity, but to have an eternal family bound to them as well.

(link to the original picture can be found here.)

The eternal family is so important that the adversary does everything that he can to tear the family apart. No unit is more attacked than the family, and it's evidence is all around us. Elder Bruce C. Hafen once stated in his address Covenant Marriage that "the adversary has long cultivated [an] overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it." I feel that there is a heavy emphasis on personal autonomy in today’s society, but in selfish ways. So many have become so self absorbed, that a commonly asked question seems to be “what’s in it for me?” which is far from walking in the ways of Christ. Many seem to be far more focused on doing what they want to do, rather than doing what is truly right. This way of thinking is dangerous, and has become a commonly used weapon against the family unit.

President Ezra Taft Benson once declared that "salvation is a family affair," so of course the adversary does not want the family to succeed. Satan "seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27).

So what can we do to help our posterity? We can lead by example. We can obey the Lord and His commandments. We can do the things we want our children to do. If we want our children to get sealed for time and eternity in the temple, the likelihood of that increases when we make and keep those same sacred covenants.

President Ezra Taft Benson once said: “When our children obey the Lord and go to the temple to receive their blessings and enter into the marriage covenant, they enter into the same order of the priesthood that God instituted in the very beginning with father Adam.” Marriage has been an institution created and ordained of God since the beginning of time, and we have the blessing to partake in it, and also have a responsibility to pass it's importance on to our children.

So, in what ways can I prepare for a covenant marriage now? Personally, I have set a goal to do the following:

• I am going to continue attending the temple regularly (be consistent).
• I will pray daily, and study the scriptures daily; learn more about, and gain a deeper testimony of the doctrine of covenant marriage.
• I will actively seek opportunities to serve others.
• I will strive to magnify my church calling, and make it so that husbands and wives have time for each other and their families at home.
• I will work to not give up easily on relationships now (whether it be with family, friendships, and so on) so that I may be more prepared to not give up in my marriage (strive to give 100%).

I invite everyone who reads this blog post to ask themselves the same question: In what ways can you prepare for a covenant marriage? And if you are already married: In what ways can you strengthen your covenant marriage?

In conclusion, I wanted to share one of my favorite Mormon Messages regarding a selfless, covenant marriage:

Becoming "Defenders of Marriage"

There is a lot of controversy surrounding the Supreme Court's decision to legalize same-sex marriage. There are many of those who are in favor of the court ruling, and there are many who are not. It is a topic I have pondered a lot about, and this week I had the opportunity to read more about the the Supreme Court's decision, and the judges who dissented from the majority. There were many compelling arguments, and points made from those who dissented from the majority, and ultimately opposed the legalization of same-sex marriage. My hope is to share some of their points and tie their remarks with religious principles in line with those of the Mormon faith (and many other Christian faiths).

Some of the dissenting judges remarks consisted of the following:

• "This universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence. Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history—and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship."
• "The Framers created our Constitution to preserve that understanding of liberty. Yet the majority invokes our Constitution in the name of a “liberty” that the Framers would not have recognized, to the detriment of the liberty they sought to protect."
• "...‘liberty’ is not lost, nor can it be found in the way petitioners seek. As a philosophical matter, liberty is only freedom from governmental action, not an entitlement to governmental benefits."
• "If this traditional understanding of the purpose of marriage does not ring true to all ears today, that is probably because the tie between marriage and procreation has frayed. Today, for instance, more than 40% of all children in this country are born to unmarried women. This development undoubtedly is both a cause and a result of changes in our society’s understanding of marriage."
• "Today’s decision usurps the constitutional right of the people to decide whether to keep or alter the traditional understanding of marriage. The decision will also have other important consequences. It will be used to vilify Americans who are unwilling to assent to the new orthodoxy."
• "Today’s decision will also have a fundamental effect on this Court and its ability to uphold the rule of law. If a bare majority of Justices can invent a new right and impose that right on the rest of the country, the only real limit on what future majorities will be able to do is their own sense of what those with political power and cultural influence are willing to tolerate. Even enthusiastic supporters of same-sex marriage should worry about the scope of the power that today’s majority claims."

It was compelling to read their remarks (including those above), and see the insight they brought in accordance to the law, and the effects such a decision could have upon our society. Prophets and apostles have prophesied for a long time of such confusing times. The Apostle Paul once said the following:

"In the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, . . . despisers of those that are good, . . . lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God. From such turn away" (2 Timothy 3:1–5).

We live in, as Paul states, "perilous times." It is a difficult time, where the line between what is right and wrong has been blurred for many. As one of the Supreme Court judges stated though, "this universal definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman is no historical coincidence... It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship."

Marriage between man and woman has been a religious institution since the beginning of time, ordained of God. In legalizing same-sex marriage, the Lord’s institution of marriage is being desecrated, and the effects of redefining marriage will continue to affect society for the worse, just as things such as children being born into a single-parent home has become more widely accepted.

Elder Russell M. Nelson has admonished us to be "disciples of the Lord" and "defenders of marriage." It is crucial that we defend the institution of marriage, as ordained by God. Some of those in our society, and the majority vote of Supreme Court judges do not determine what marriage is, the Lord does, for He is the one who created such a sacred institution. 

Being "defenders of marriage" may not always be easy, but the path of discipleship is not always easy either. It is a path that requires a great deal of faith, and is often accompanied by trials and tribulations. It is also a blessed path though, and one where we received the Lord's promised blessings that we will be protected. I know that this is true from my own personal experience, and that although the path of discipleship is not always easy, it is definitely worth it.

My hope is that some of the insight shared regarding the Supreme Court's ruling, accompanied with gospel truth may be able to help those who read this blog post in their efforts to defend marriage, and strengthen their testimony of this gospel truth.

Renaissance of Marriage by President Henry B. Eyring:

References:

Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement.

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.

Divorce: Sarah's Story

Seeing that this is my first blog entry, I wanted to first establish that I am Mormon/LDS, so my blog may contain religious context pertaining to my faith, and will be written with LDS people as the intended audience. However, what I share is not limited to just those of my faith. All are welcome to read my posts and make commentary/ask questions. With that said, I hope you enjoy my blog!

Divorce:

Divorce is a complicated subject, and due to the experience of someone very dear to me, it is also a topic I have always been interested in learning more about. A lot can be said about divorce, and this week I had a wonderful opportunity to explore the topic more in depth for one of my college courses.

Rather than spit out a bunch of random facts, I felt the need to share a couple of the insights I gained as a result of my studies, in applying them to a real life experience. I hope that some of what I share is able to help others who read this entry.

Over the past few decades, the overall trend of divorce has risen. Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce (State of Our Unions 2012), and no one is exempt from the possibility of experiencing divorce, whether it as a child of divorced parents, or through one's own divorce from a spouse. I do not say that with the intent to scare anyone, but to show the common reality divorce has become for many.

According to official statements from Mormon Apostles, Elder Dallin H. Oak and Elder James E. Faust specifically, divorce is acceptable in some instances. Some marriages fail, and it's important to be understanding of that. Such was the case of someone in my family, who I will refer to as Sarah.

Sarah's Story:

When Sarah was young, her parents separated, and she rarely saw her father after that. She moved to a different state with her mother and three younger siblings, and for the rest of her childhood she lived in a single-parent home. The divorce of her parents brought on a lot of change, and with that change came a lot of hardships.

In an article by Paul R. Amato he shares various risks children face when in single-parent homes, some of which were hardships Sarah and her family faced. Through their circumstances, Sarah’s family ended up suffering from economic hardships, stress, and a reduction in the quality of parenting received. Sarah's mother tried her best to do all that she could, but due to working full-time (in order provide just enough for them to get by), it made it difficult for her to always be there for her children in all the ways she wanted to be. It was a difficult situation, but one with hope.

When placed in such circumstances, it can be hard to get out of and break the cycle, but that is what Sarah did. She became what is referred to as a "transitional character," which is one who changes the entire course of a lineage within a single generation (Broderick). Sarah worked extremely hard so that she could go to college, and was productive with her life. She ultimately found a wonderful man, to whom she has now been married to for over 30 years and has had 8 children with; many of those children having successful marriages/families of their own.

Sarah's story is a story of hope; a story that shows that we can break the mold, even if it's hard. She may have experienced many trials that come with divorce and being raised in a single-parent home, but the key was that she did not allow her circumstances to define her and control her destiny. Sarah was determined to make her life better, and she found the gospel of Jesus Christ in her teenage years. Through the gospel she was able to find healing in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, came to know that it was possible for her to have a wonderful family of her own, and that it was possible for her to succeed in life. The story of Sarah's triumph can be the story of many others.

I want to close out my entry by sharing a Mormon Message, which addresses the topic of divorce, and I hope it inspires you, as it has inspired me:

Divorce should not be the go-to option for couples and is not meant to be taken lightly, and I know that repentance should be turned to first as we strive to mend what seems to be broken. However, each of us has agency and some of us are truly victims of such circumstances, just as Sarah was.

My hope is that we may all take marriage and its commitments seriously, and that divorce is never the first "solution" that comes to mind, nor is it one taken lightly. If divorce does result (and in some cases it may be for the best), my prayer is that all those involved may find healing and know that they should not consider themselves failures, and that it is possible to find greater happiness again.

Sources:
Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation. The Future of Children.
Carlfred Broderick (1992). Marriage and the Family. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.
Faust, J. E. (May 1993). "Father, Come Home." Ensign.
Oaks, D. H. (May 2007). "Divorce." Ensign.
State of Our Unions 2012; The National Marriage Project.